Life Updates and Other Ramblings
Today a bit of a different, more rambly post.
DEFCON and Grand Canyon
It’s been a couple of months since I’ve been back from BSidesLV 2025 and DEFCON 33. Long story short, it was awesome and extra special this year for me. I met so many cool and talented people that have humbled me in many ways. From the talks to the people (shoutout Malware Village), there is so much cool stuff around that I can only dream of scratching the surface for.
Besides hacking-related activities, I also went to see the Grand Canyon for the first time, which is a couple hours drive from Las Vegas (where DEFCON is hosted every year). It is absolutely breathtaking. The scale of it all is surreal. If you are ever in the area, it is absolutely worth making the detour.
The photo does not do the scale any justice.
The Aftermath
While these things were awesome, health-wise I have not really gotten better from it.
If you know me or have read my previous blog post, you know that I’ve been dealing with some pretty tough medical complications for the past year and a half. Without going into too much detail, it involves chronic pains in my upper body/chest area, combined with extreme fatigue, low stamina, and massive brain fog – symptoms that are often related to Long COVID and other chronic fatigue illnesses. It has made me unable to do a lot of “normal” tasks for extended periods of time. Moving around the house, getting groceries, or simply just talking for extended periods of time can be extremely tiring or painful. If I am extra (un)lucky, it can wipe me out for days.
Sadly, to this day, I am still struggling heavily with this. I’ve been in talks with various doctors and specialists, but so far they haven’t been able to really find anything. On paper, I am as healthy as I can be, yet clearly something is wrong. Whenever I go ever so slightly over these new thresholds that my body has set for me, my body just starts protesting hard. DEFCON was no exception, unfortunately. I already felt it intensifying during the conference, and, out of precaution, I refrained from pursuing CTFs/badge-hunting too much. However, coming back home, it was bad. I haven’t really been able to do much since, in my professional life (i.e., work), online life (i.e., this blog and GitHub), and my personal life.
Personal Takeaways
The past year has made me realize a couple of things.
For one, life is awesome and has a lot to offer. There is so much to see in the world and so many great people to meet.
Life is also extremely dynamic. Everything can go fine for years; it only takes just one (unfortunate) event to make a sudden huge impact on your life. It makes it difficult to navigate and plan around, especially when there are so many variables that are unknown. It has put a lot into perspective for me how fragile some aspects of it really are.
It also doesn’t help that my CTF brain hungers for a nice and sound solution for this “puzzle” :). It is literally trained to soak in as much information as possible, find the relevant patterns and problem solve. To my brain, this is yet another puzzle for which, with enough time, effort and perserverence, all the “if statements” guarding the “flag” can be solved. But what I’ve come to realize more and more is that, when it comes to your health (and probably many other things in life), sometimes the only pattern that is present is the pattern that there is no obvious pattern. There is not always a nice equation for every problem that you can just SAT-solve your way through :^).
My brain hates this. It is hard to accept this fact.
The body and mind may be one of the final end bosses for people like me :).
Who is this post for?
Honestly, not sure.
Maybe it is interesting to you, seeing that one little slither of my personal life here on this blog. Contrary to what some may believe, I am actually a human, crazy right? Maybe it is also for myself to help me accept the situation I am in. Or maybe it is doing my part in showing that life is not always fun. On social media we often portray our successes, but we should also not forget about the reality of setbacks. Cherish what you have!
What’s next?
I hope this is not my new normal, I’m frankly quite done with this bullsh*t. I may be able to figure out eventually a full solution, but there is also a non-zero chance there just isn’t a simple solution, and this is just the way I have to live life moving forward for the time being. Time will tell.
I want to keep going to events like DEFCON and participate in competitions like Flare-On (On a side note: I am working on writeups for flare-on 12, it is just taking a little longer than usual because of all this…). I want to keep working on my projects, come up with new ideas, and release new stuff (I have some really cool projects that I have been dying to share!). I “just” need to find a way to sustainably do this.
If it really turns out to be Long COVID, then I can at least safely conclude Long COVID is really no joke. Before this all, I’ve never been the person that gets sick often (beside the occasional cold or migraine), nor would I shy away from doing physical activities. I am telling you, treat this COVID-thing seriously. The pandemic may have ended and only a low percentage of people may get what I am dealing with, don’t try to become the statistic. It’s really not worth it.